FROM: FAA, NTSB, and NSB
DATE:: Tuesday, January 27, 2009 9:54 AM
SUBJECT: Preliminary NTSB report on Flight
1549

Preliminary Findings:
US Airways violated Federal migratory bird regulations
by hunting geese with an A320 Airbus jetliner, claim
anonymous government sources. The pilot of flight 1549,
Air Force veteran and avid hunter Chesley B.
Sullenberger, tried combining both of his interests by
bagging a brace of geese over the wetlands near New
York's LaGuardia airport after takeoff, on his way to
Charlotte, North Carolina.

The imported $77 million A320 airliner is not certified for
either waterfowl or upland bird hunting, so it was not
surprising that the aircraft malfunctioned, forcing Captain
Sullenberger to ditch the plane in the Hudson River.

The crew, and 150 passengers were chilled and shaken
but unhurt. Most were simply grateful to avoid spending
the weekend in Charlotte.

National Transportation Safety Board inspectors, rushed
to the scene, reportedly found no Duck Stamps on the
downed aircraft's fuselage. Captain Sullenberger has not
been charged but is being held incommunicado at an
undisclosed location.

PETA is urging the government to prosecute the pilot for
double honkercide and poaching. The animal rights group
is expected to file a civil suit on behalf of the flock.

The two victims were undocumented aliens, according to
sources close to the investigation, Canadian geese who
had over-stayed their visas. Their goose gang scandalized
their quiet Queens community by squatting in local
cemeteries and golf courses, parking on the grass, cooking
strange-smelling food and throwing wild parties late into
the night.

Neighbors say police dogs were called out on several
occasions. Such incidents have triggered a wave of anti-
Canada goose sentiment, but at this time revenge or hate
crime motives are not suspected in the US Airways bird
bashings.

Forensic examination of the avian corpses continues. The
technicians are analyzing the two cadavers under heat
with chestnuts, prunes, and Armagnac. NTSB inspectors
have contributed a supply of testing fluid, a 2005 Zind-
Humbrecht Riesling from Alsace. We will update this
story as entree details become available.