Understanding tools...

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.



HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a Bitch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs?..It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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I have a lot of those tools in my department, very accurate descriptions! http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif

Whew! for a second I thought this was one of those bashing threads about a fellow BBC member. http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif

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I once saw a drill press rip a womans shirt off in a split second.

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I also use a mother ****** tool! It usually will cost double to replace it!

Every tool I own is a potential son or a bitch tool, I wish you could hear my neighbor tell the story of my SOB string trimmer that wouldn't start. I sure wish I would have noticed the kill switch in the off position before the impact. http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif

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I own all them tools!!! http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif

<table width="90%" cellspacing=0 cellpadding=0 align=center><tr><td>Quote, originally posted by Clif Kincaid &raquo;</td></tr><tr><td class="quote">I also use a mother ****** tool! It usually will cost double to replace it!</td></tr></table>


^^^ YES!! http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/roll.gif http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/roll.gif http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/roll.gif

We used to have a "stress relief tool" at the shop when I was a tech.
I made a golf ball gun out of some pipe. Welded one end shut, drilled and tapped an NPR fitting and a lever style valve.
When one of us got really pissed, we had an old broke down, beat up, total pos cavalier out back we would blast with that thing. http://www.bassboatcentral.com/smileys/Laugh.gif

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I was having fun with some SOB tools while under my truck. I was cussing like a sailor at the top of my lungs and I see 2 legs near me in my neighbors yard about 5 feet away. It was my neighbors 14 year old son. From then on I had to promise my neighbor that any work on the truck would be a PG-13 rating and not the R rated one her son witnessed. We still get a good laugh about it.

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