About to go threw a Divorce

[RazorCat]

Get a female lawyer too. They don’t like other women.

Roger that. Tried to tell my fishing partner that when he went through a divorce last year. Gave him the name of a local female lawyer with a ruthless reputation in divorce proceedings. He decided to go with "a male attorney who is a friend" to save a buck. Well, guess who his Ex hired? And guess who the male attorney used to be partners with? And guess who got taken to the cleaners. My friend has now paid her off to the tune of half his retirement, half the equity in "his" house which he had paid off before they married (second wife), and he's now returned to work at after retiring just to make ends meet at 63. All for 5 years of a second marriage.
Get a lawyer first. A good, ruthless divorce lawyer who's reputation precedes them. Divorce is usually ugly no matter the circumstances. Protect your assets as best you can.

[cav]

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If only I could get my wife to listen to what's in the pages.

Now if you figure out how to get the wife to listen to whats on the page, bottle it up and send some my way!!

[dwmgg17]

[DaveBrabec]

i dont agree with the female lawyer thing. I tried that. Judge was a female my lawyer was a female and so was hers.Felt like they all ganged up on me.

[Cojab]

Back in 1997 me and my wife had grown so far apart I did not think there was any hope for the marriage. We struggled for over a year and during that time and we did not like each other very much. To be honest, I was ready to file and I know she did talk to a lawyer. We had a teenage son and I did not want to destroy his world.

I was sitting next to the river one day and I kept thinking of things that driven us apart and where we went wrong. Some of the issues were hers but once I started really thinking about it most of the issues were mine. I went home that night and we discussed how we were going to save our marriage. It was a rocky road for the next couple of months but then we started to love each other again and we did not dwell on the little things or discuss past hurt.

This is the lounge and some idiot will make fun of this post but we worked things out. She was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago and we made it through that and both of us are happier than ever today. When I look back at how close I was to throwing everything away it makes me so grateful that things worked out. She is my world and I do not know what I would do without her.

Sometimes marriages cannot be saved. I am living proof as are a few others that posted that sometimes it can be revived.

Best reply yet. But I will correct one part. Where you say things "worked out", they didn't just work out. You both put in the effort required and worked them out. Take credit where it is due sir!

My wife and I were in the same situation, to the point that I had already moved out. I remember very clearly the evening we sat down on our deck, began actually talking about what we were unhappy with, and really began thinking of the other person and what things we were doing to make the other unhappy in our relationship. That was about 15 years ago. Today, I'm going on 34 years of marriage with a person I couldn't see being without.

To the OP, if you can work it out, it is in everyone's (except the laywers) best interest to do so and will be extremely rewarding if you can accomplish this. If that is not possible, I have no experience and no words of wisdom. Just a heartfelt good luck.

[DanR]

I divorced about 10 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made... only reason why it lasted more than a year is that we had a child right away and I didn't want to divorce with a young child on the way so we tried to "work it out". 6 years of hell, lost a ton of weight, hair was falling out from stress etc, I finally decided it was enough. I immediately found someone once I separated and we've been together ever since and she made me realize that a beautiful, loving relationship with patience and understanding was possible, rather than my previous marriage of screaming, fights and being called everything under the sun on a daily basis.

Anyhow, in Canada we have free divorce mediation if you have children, so basically they work with you and your wife to hammer out the divorce agreement terms, split the assets etc so all you have to do is get a lawyer to file it with the court. That's what we did and the entire thing cost $1000. She went off the rails a few times but the mediator would rein her in and get us back on topic each time. So maybe check to see if your state offers something like this.

My big lesson and only regret was that in my own guilt and desperation to get things over with and not to be "the bad guy that triggered the divorce", I did not pursue joint custody and let her be the primary caregiver. I should NEVER have done that, it ended up costing me ridiculous amounts of child support that increase every year (I legally have to give my ex my yearly income tax information so that she can request more money if my income goes up) and I went from seeing my daughter daily to 4 or 5 days a month, it was devastating. Even now, 10 years later, it still bothers me to walk in to my daughter's room and see it empty. I do see her more now though and we call and text each other daily. We spend a month solid together for summer vacation, which is the highlight of my year. My ex and I VERY rarely communicate, basically only when we absolutely have to, but over time she became easier to deal with in terms of extra days and weekends that I can see my daughter that were not stipulated in the contract. I've also never once missed a support payment or offering to pay for extra costs for my daughter in any way, so she started to relax as time went on. It took awhile but we're civil now for the sake of our daughter.

And the old adage of "the woman you marry is NOT the woman you divorce" is VERY true. Especially when you meet someone new after the separation/divorce, they will go for the jugular.

Best of luck, better days are ahead.

Dan

[skeeterator]

You may be third. I seem to remember another request.

Yup, I called dibs before anyone else.

[5 BASS ASSASIN]

What if She asks "What is a good buy"?

Then you know she is high maintenance, and you run like a flooded river.. SWIFTLY

[krindgen]

Ask your attorney before you move out, it is your house to. If you have a spare bedroom, stay there, be cordial to her, no yelling.

DO NOT MOVE OUT and don't let her kick you out. Or, kick her out, file for exclusive possession of the house. Only move out if you have some type of agreement in place. Do not voluntarily move out just cuzz she's a beatch. You lose your rights.

[Ballengee]

Sorry to hear, divorce usually seems to suck but if both parties agree it can be smooth. I have seen it both ways with many of my friends. Some really really nasty and some they are still really goof friends with each other.

Only advise and this depends on your State's laws....

1. If it is a 50/50 state regardless of fault, don't get into pettiness over materials things. If you two get into arguments over this stuff it will end up 10/10/40/40. That's 10 for each of you and 40 for each of the attorneys. Attorneys will be sure the other attorney is taken care of in the divorce agreement also.
2. Do you both have jobs? Did you make more than her? If so you will most likely end up paying maintenance/alimony for a period of time.
3. Is she a good mother? Are you a good father? If both are yes then shoot for shared custody. Children should not be restricted from either parent if they both are good parents. But also the children's best interests need to be considered.
4. If you are ordered to pay reasonable child support (nothing like 80% of your income leaving you 100 bucks a month to live), don't buck it. Your kids will know what is going on later in life and if you refuse to help support them then they may hold bitterness towards you.
5. STAY IN THE KIDS LIVES!! Children need a good father.

I just hope you and your wife can peacefully settle this. You never know it may be a relief for her also.


The only thing I am really not down with is not getting an attorney. Someone could always come back and say he/she did not understand what they were signing and was forced to sign it. When it comes to legal documents that could be a problem. If there are attorneys (used as little as possible) any issues like that won't end up being an issue.

[rjvana]

I there are kids involved I would try my best to work it out. I can promise you that paying 400 bucks a month for the last 14 years sucks bad and I still have a little less than 2 years to go. If you have a truck, boat, or any other toy with equity be prepared to sell and split the proceeds or buy out her half of the equity. Same goes for the house. Next, be prepared for her to turn your kids against you to the point that they will never want to see you. Finally, be prepared for her to find another dude and he will be more of an influence in your kids lives than you will. She will see to that. Hopefully he isn’t an abuser, drug addict, or pedophile. Everyone says you don’t know a woman until you marry them but that is bull. You don’t really know them until you go through a divorce. I’ve been through two.

Same here and vendetta is a bitch ,You may think you and her are on the same page,but wait till you get into the lawyers office or in court in my case. You will see her at her finest.

[slaunch]

I don't mean to make light of the situation but I wonder if there's a message board somewhere on a website about a typical women's activity where they run down their ex husband and talk about how ruthless they were during a divorce.

[hellathump]

Having gone thru similar in oct I can honestly say it was the toughest thing i have ever been thru. I look at her sons room in my home and feel defeated. Its been beyond difficult. I dealt with cheating ,lies, and more. Our bitteness towards each other was amazing. In the end, a word or a negative manurism would trigger arguments. I pray u havent dealt with similar. If you have, it will get better when u split. My ex was dabbling with a dip shit attorney whom i thought was a friend. Take notes from this post and apply what u can to ur situation. At this point, do whats best for you. Yood luck

[hellathump]

Also record/video with phone any interactions u think might go bad. It has helped me tremendously

[JoshKeller]

And here I sit, wondering why anyone would chose to get married now a days. I'm perfectly happy keeping my lady as a gf - her money is hers, mine is mine.

[ditchdiggerjcf]

Yup, I called dibs before anyone else.

What post #? I may have you on the boat thing.

[LewStulePH.D.]

All these 'divorce expert' posts make me sad. Isn't there a marriage expert in here?
Did you guys get your brides via mail order or at Sam's Club on clearance?

I probably could have gotten a divorce but then My Wife had Us re-new Our vows in Church, so now I'm stuck. The Courthouse cost Me $60.00 29 years ago. Then in the Catholic Church it cost Me $200 'grease dough'

[hatcreek]

All these 'divorce expert' posts make me sad. Isn't there a marriage expert in here?
Did you guys get your brides via mail order or at Sam's Club on clearance?
I'm thinking some folks should spend more time interviewing prospects, with the big head.
If you aren't 100% best friends and with paired core values, don't get married.
Should you screw up on the above statement, work it out, find common ground, etc.

How 'bout when you discover she's banging the neighbor after you spent 3 years of being 100% best friends and another 11 of wedded "bliss" there, Dr. Phil?

Working it out and finding common ground, etc. doesn't always mean that the marriage survives...

I'm more than happy for everyone here who was able to take whatever situation they were in and turn it around for the better to save their marriage.

But the simple fact of the matter is, you can't save 'em all.

[smalljawguy]

Back in 1997 me and my wife had grown so far apart I did not think there was any hope for the marriage. We struggled for over a year and during that time and we did not like each other very much. To be honest, I was ready to file and I know she did talk to a lawyer. We had a teenage son and I did not want to destroy his world.

I was sitting next to the river one day and I kept thinking of things that driven us apart and where we went wrong. Some of the issues were hers but once I started really thinking about it most of the issues were mine. I went home that night and we discussed how we were going to save our marriage. It was a rocky road for the next couple of months but then we started to love each other again and we did not dwell on the little things or discuss past hurt.

This is the lounge and some idiot will make fun of this post but we worked things out. She was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago and we made it through that and both of us are happier than ever today. When I look back at how close I was to throwing everything away it makes me so grateful that things worked out. She is my world and I do not know what I would do without her.

Sometimes marriages cannot be saved. I am living proof as are a few others that posted that sometimes it can be revived.

Glad to hear things worked out for you and the missus. If anyone one here makes fun of you're post, the issue is with them, not you.

[D.O.C. 989]

How 'bout when you discover she's banging the neighbor after you spent 3 years of being 100% best friends and another 11 of wedded "bliss" there, Dr. Phil?

Working it out and finding common ground, etc. doesn't always mean that the marriage survives... The simple fact of the matter is, you can't save 'em all.

You make a good point. What surprises me are the ones who are on their 2nd 3rd and 4th go around.