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  1. #1
    Member drifter106's Avatar
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    Idle time during retirement....

    After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

    ... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

    Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

    She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping centre:

    Dear Mrs. Harris:

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

    We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

    Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

    August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

    August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

    August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

    September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

    October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

    October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

    'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

    Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

    And last, but not least:

    October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
    Sacred Heart of Mary, pray for us now, and at the hour of our death. AMEN
    O blood and water which gush forth from the heart of Jesus, have mercy on us
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

  2. Member
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    #2
    Well now, this fellow has laid out a game plan for all of us retired folks.

  3. Member LTZ25's Avatar
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    #3
    This is dump joke .

  4. Member
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    Lees Summit MO
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    #4
    Ga is dump too

  5. Member LTZ25's Avatar
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    #5
    Quote Originally Posted by catchatoad View Post
    Ga is dump too
    I can't argue about that !!!!!!
    Theres some dang good jokes on this site fr sure .

  6. Member
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    Insomnia, near Seaford Delaware
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    #6
    Got a couple of good chuckles outta this one.

  7. Member
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    Danville, Iindiana
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    #7
    i was using a dressing stall in wallmart and come out and ask the lady,where is the sink i like washing my hands when done,she looked at me straight faced and you didnt did you, i shook my my head up and down real slow,my wife turned beat red and walked off in tears

  8. Member
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    #8
    Dump or not it is funny as hell. So of us haven't heard some of these. Drifter 106 well done...
    CrusinArnd
    1994 Ranger 482VS
    1993 Merc 175
    Call it the Puddle Jumper....

  9. Member drifter106's Avatar
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    #9
    Quote Originally Posted by buster502 View Post
    i was using a dressing stall in wallmart and come out and ask the lady,where is the sink i like washing my hands when done,she looked at me straight faced and you didnt did you, i shook my my head up and down real slow,my wife turned beat red and walked off in tears
    Did that warrant being on her poop list...lol
    Sacred Heart of Mary, pray for us now, and at the hour of our death. AMEN
    O blood and water which gush forth from the heart of Jesus, have mercy on us
    For the sake of his sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and the whole world

  10. Member samwise2u's Avatar
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    Shreveport, LA
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    #10
    added several to my bucket list!
    Wettin hooks and huntin fish.

  11. Member
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    #11
    liked it so much I could see myself doing same thing.
    can't wait to retire and humor people....

  12. Tin Boats Moderator Pokie Pa's Avatar
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    #12
    Quote Originally Posted by LTZ25 View Post
    This is dump joke .
    I think it is very funny..... Ya got to be retired I guess!!!

  13. Losing fish by the pound. CDN Bass's Avatar
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    #13
    Quote Originally Posted by buster502 View Post
    i was using a dressing stall in wallmart and come out and ask the lady,where is the sink i like washing my hands when done,she looked at me straight faced and you didnt did you, i shook my my head up and down real slow,my wife turned beat red and walked off in tears
    You da man!

    Blamart (no free meta tags here), Old Baby, Peter 1, Homesenseless, Marshes, and Combumbula Outlet beware!

    Retiring in November....I'm on it.
    Maple syrup... I put that sh*t on everything!
    '09 Stratos 201 XL EVO DC | 250 Pro XS | Razor 4 25P | 6" JP | 10' Talons Gen 2 | 112# Ultrex | Lowrance C12 x 4 | AT | '16 RAM Rebel

  14. Member grayline's Avatar
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    #14
    My buddy put vagisil in an older lady's cart then we watched her check out and she never noticed it.. Bet that was a funny unpacking of the groceries..