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  1. #1
    Member
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    Jun 2016
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    WI
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    518

    I was just getting ready to bear down!

    All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
    computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
    cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
    forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart
    the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber
    cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
    bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my
    insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the
    occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I
    had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my girlfriend. I
    completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way
    back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must
    Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent
    cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

    I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I
    have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your
    convenience:

    0. Occupied.
    1. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the
    occupied one.
    2. Poo on seat.
    3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on
    seat.
    4. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base
    of toilet.
    Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou
    and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter. I wasn't happy
    about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

    I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet
    sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and
    then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
    cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it
    needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

    The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. pooper was blathering to
    Mrs. pooper about the poopy day he had. I sat there, cramping and
    miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged
    on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy
    day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know
    in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would
    be getting even crappier.

    Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no
    longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other
    hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was
    rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound
    of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being
    torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily
    modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I
    managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

    Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
    apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
    continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
    bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
    gateway to had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way
    under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald"
    fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

    "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
    choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could
    hear that (gag)??"

    Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could
    swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes,
    poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
    stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous
    force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had
    actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on
    to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

    Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
    desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation
    made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible...
    throw up...in my mouth...not... make it... tell the kids... love
    them...oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

    Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum
    at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was
    winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
    string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into
    the toilet.

    There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly
    quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A
    final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks
    plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I
    heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was
    thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door
    behind him.

    After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the
    damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I
    knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
    that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with
    filth.

    As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the
    bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the
    bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

    I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around
    for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
    supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my
    anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring
    himself to poop in public -- and I doubt
    ever again answer his
    cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never
    talk on your phone in the bathroom. Do your business and get out.




    2005 206
    ETEC 225 H.O.
    Fury 4 24p @ 5,750 fully loaded

  2.  
  3. Member
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    Aug 2010
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    Mansfield, AR
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    #2
    I think I crapped my pants just reading this damn story!

  4. Member
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    Sep 2014
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    Wichita Kansas
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    577
    #3
    Too funny, my tummy hurts from laughing.

  5. Member
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    May 2013
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    Rockford, IL
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    615
    #4
    Hilarious... was laughing uncontrollably :)
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  6. Member
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    Apr 2012
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    Seaford (lower slower) Delaware
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    16,466
    #5
    You are sick!!! Hilarious but sick!!!

  7. Member Bub's Avatar
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    Sep 2009
    Location
    Imperial, Mo
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    6,667
    #6
    I actually gagged a little while reading that..


    It was still hilarious though!

  8. Member jimsch's Avatar
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    Sep 2014
    Location
    Lower Left Coast
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    #7
    That was you in the other stall?
    I'm not smart enough to understand stupidity

  9. Member
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    Sep 2010
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    NW Georgia
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    20,140
    #8
    Well I hope you feel better.
    Praying for a Cure

  10. Craig White
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    Jan 2007
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    Rogers, Arkansas
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    213
    #9
    Can't believe I just read all of this....can't believe someone really typed all this. But was funny.

  11. Member
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    Mar 2007
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    Il
    Posts
    841
    #10
    just heard the same thing from the wife and she missed her plane in florida
    Kneel for my anthem,you better be praying also!

  12. Member
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    Dec 2010
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    Wilbur by the Sea
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    #11
    Best laugh I had all day!! That was great!

  13. Member cashion1's Avatar
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    Sep 2012
    Location
    Iowa
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    3,325
    #12
    Thanks I needed a good belly laugh. Been too cold here for anything but staying in.
    "SEE YOU AT THE TOP"

  14. Member
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    Dec 2014
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    Uniontown,Ohio
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    124
    #13
    I loved it! Very well put I can relate,been there a few times.

  15. Member
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    Feb 2012
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    183 hampshire st. methuen ma. 01844
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    #14
    my 67 birthday today. best laugh i had all day. thanks

  16. Member
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    Jun 2004
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    Dora
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    #15
    One thing is for sure...You Were The Champion!!

  17. Member
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    May 2014
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    Birmingham, Alabama
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    #16
    Oh Lord, that was the funniest read!
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  18. Member
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    virginia
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    #17
    Thanks needed a laugh like that, holy @#$# that was funny

  19. Member
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    May 2012
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    Deep Creek Lake , Md
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    61
    #18
    That "Chit" Was Funny ,

  20. Member
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    Alabama
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    110
    #19
    It took me ten minutes to read this. I couldn't stop laughing!
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  21. Member
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    Jan 2017
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    McDonough, GA
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    165
    #20
    Holy CRAP.... literally!

    Give the man a Pulitzer prize!
    Later,

    Dixie Chicken ---

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