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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2016

    I was just getting ready to bear down!

    All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
    computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
    cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
    forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart
    the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber
    cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a
    bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my
    insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the
    occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I
    had to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my girlfriend. I
    completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way
    back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must
    Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent
    cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.

    I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I
    have numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your

    0. Occupied.
    1. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the
    occupied one.
    2. Poo on seat.
    3. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on
    4. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base
    of toilet.
    Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou
    and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful ****ter. I wasn't happy
    about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

    I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet
    sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and
    then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a
    cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it
    needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

    The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. pooper was blathering to
    Mrs. pooper about the poopy day he had. I sat there, cramping and
    miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged
    on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy
    day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know
    in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would
    be getting even crappier.

    Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no
    longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other
    hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was
    rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound
    of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being
    torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily
    modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I
    managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

    Once my *** cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
    apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
    continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
    bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
    gateway to had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way
    under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald"
    fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

    "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
    choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could
    hear that (gag)??"

    Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could
    swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes,
    poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of
    stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous
    force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had
    actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on
    to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

    Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
    desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation
    made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible...
    throw my mouth...not... make it... tell the kids... love
    them...oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

    Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum
    at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was
    winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by
    string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into
    the toilet.

    There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly
    quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A
    final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks
    plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I
    heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was
    thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door
    behind him.

    After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the
    damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I
    knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle
    that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with

    As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the
    bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the
    bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

    I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around
    for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my
    supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my
    anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring
    himself to poop in public -- and I doubt
    ever again answer his
    cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never
    talk on your phone in the bathroom. Do your business and get out.

    2005 206
    BRP 225 H.O. (E225DHLSOF)
    Fury 4 24p @ 5,750 fully loaded

  3. Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Mansfield, AR
    I think I crapped my pants just reading this damn story!

  4. Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Wichita Kansas
    Too funny, my tummy hurts from laughing.

  5. Member
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Rockford, IL
    Hilarious... was laughing uncontrollably :)
    2004 Triton TR-186DC - Mercury 175 Optimax
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  6. Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Insomnia, near Seaford Delaware
    You are sick!!! Hilarious but sick!!!

  7. Member Bub's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Imperial, Mo
    I actually gagged a little while reading that..

    It was still hilarious though!

  8. Member jimsch's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Lower Left ca Coast
    That was you in the other stall?

  9. Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    NW Georgia
    Well I hope you feel better.
    Praying for a Cure

  10. Craig White
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Rogers, Arkansas
    Can't believe I just read all of this....can't believe someone really typed all this. But was funny.

  11. Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    just heard the same thing from the wife and she missed her plane in florida
    Made in malay--stay away!

  12. Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Wilbur by the Sea
    Best laugh I had all day!! That was great!

  13. Member cashion1's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Thanks I needed a good belly laugh. Been too cold here for anything but staying in.

  14. Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    I loved it! Very well put I can relate,been there a few times.

  15. Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    183 hampshire st. methuen ma. 01844
    my 67 birthday today. best laugh i had all day. thanks

  16. Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Dora, AL
    One thing is for sure...You Were The Champion!!

  17. Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Birmingham, Alabama
    Oh Lord, that was the funniest read!
    2013 Nitro Z-7
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    Blue water LED's

  18. Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Thanks needed a laugh like that, holy @#$# that was funny

  19. Member
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Deep Creek Lake , Md
    That "Chit" Was Funny ,

  20. Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    It took me ten minutes to read this. I couldn't stop laughing!

  21. Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
    McDonough, GA
    Holy CRAP.... literally!

    Give the man a Pulitzer prize!

    Dixie Chicken ---

    2011/12 Nitro Z9 DC Custom Flake
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