Situation

[R.D.]

Normally I do not like to talk about my personal problems. I do not do this for 2 reasons.....one being I am not looking for empathy & the other is that I have hard time expressing feelings & talking about problems.....even with wife.


For the last 6 years or so I have tried desperately to make amends with my brother. Upon getting engaged I did not like his choice for companionship(nice way of putting it). I have seen where she has been very manipulative toward him in the things he does...or doesn't do. I have been able to compose myself better in her presence & have accepted that this is what it is. My family has tried to do several things to keep my brother involved with his blood side but has been difficult to do this. My parents have helped them out in several occations & he still feels that WE (the family) do not want to do anything for him. My dad for 1 has given him 2 vehicle because he has not had the $$ to get others. The only vehicle he has bought was a 94 Saturn that is broke in his drive & has no $$ to fix it. He has filled backrupcy once & has been able to barely afford a minivan to haul his 3 kids around in. Recently my dad bought a new truck in summer 2004 & GAVE him the Blazer he had for 12+ years.....I am not upset at this for any reason at all & appreciate what my parents do for ALL 3 of us kids but he still seems to keep himself very distant from everyone.

Heres the good part.......Since my mom was Diagnosed with Respitory MS in 2003 he has made very little effort in the last year or so to see her at Madonna. She has to be on a ventaltor to help her breath & must be a permenant resident at this care center. I try my hardest tosee her on a weekly basis. There have been time that Wife, Owen & I have not seen her for 3 week stretches do to colds, sickness or other things but atleast call to see how she is........my brother does nothing except for major holidays or his kids birthdays (when he knows they'll get $ or stuff).

This Mothers day came & went & my brother never went out, sent a card or even called to say <edit> you to anyone. This has really hurt both my mom & dad to know that he either doesn't care or feesl like we don't care about him. If we didn't care that much why would we talk about him?

This is getting harder & harder for me to deal with & am looking for feedback from my BBC family.......I greatly appreciate the honesty you guys posess.........One of these days my moms MS will progress to a point of no return & I feel my brother will be looking for answers.

Sorry for long post

[dukhntr]

Man, Ryan, I am speechless....I really don't have any good advice. Do you think if you set him down and talked to him that it would work??? Does he use narcotics?? Reason I am asking is beacuse if so, depending what he uses, can greatly affect ones behavior to the ones they love the most.
I am praying for a good recovery for your mom, and I hope all works out with your brother. BTW, how long has he been married to the is lady that you don't like??

[TimS]

I'm like RJ, I don't know that there is any good advice for that situation. Maybe sit him down and try and make the situation with your mom hit home with him and maybe he will realize what he has been doing. Other than that I don't have any suggestions.

[R.D.]

Randy,

My brother has been married for about 6 or going on 7 years. He got engaged to her as Gina & I were going to be wed.....I figured her out from day 1 & the rest of the family didn't have a clue......now my dad has had to admit that I was right all along about her & he & mom have kinda disenvowed her.....only to a point that if my brother wasn;t involved they would have nothing to do with her.....but they are good with her only for his sake........not sure if he uses drugs or not.......I know that my folks always told ALL 3 of us not to use them growing up & non of us ever did......I can only assume he's not but unless someone else on the inside knows about it I sure don't.

It's kinda hard to really know stuff like this when he won't spend time with anyone except for her folks & people SHE want's to be around.............I guess I have myself to blame for that one cause I have said some bad things over the years to him & her........I know there have been things about me said too because I have my sources & I will not post that

[jimlmackjr]

well i do think u need to talk to him about it. he might have a reason that he just cant confront ur mom in that state. not saying the WIFE has anything to do with it
but i undersatnd where u are comming from being frusatsed that he just wants and wants but dont give what little in return(by seeing her)

just dont let it get to a shouting match that wont solve a thing but just drive him away more

really wish i could help just put in for ur mother and ur brother so that everything could be mended

[Bassman25]

Ryan,

I really think that you need to have a serious talk with your brother, explain to him that your mom is very ill and she is the one that brought him into this world. Explain to him how you feel and you still need him there and see if you can get him to come back. He will regret every bit of life that he missed without your mother, thats for sure. I am close to my parents as you are and I would hate to mess that up. Thats a very tough decision Ryan...all I can say is pray. I will say a prayer for you guys tonight. If you need anything, let me know

[BLAAJA]

My family never liked the choice one of my brothers picked for a spouse and still to this day and their 4 kids later we all make fun of her (behind her back) but they are still together and both happy.
As far as your brothers family issues? I guess I am kind of like him. I am the oldest of 4 sons and had to work my ass off when I was a kid and couldn't wait till I was out of high school to get away from my parents. My dad has never treated any of my other brothers the way he treated me and has probaly done the opposit with them. So I still go out of my way to not get help from my parents or keep them involved in my personal business. As where my brothers are very close and take extreme advantage of my parent.s.
My Dad just had a 5 bypass heart surgury in Topeka and of coarse evrybody went to visit except for me.
Bottom line
I still Love my parents and care for them deeply but will not go out of my way to go see them. I still help with the farming if I have time and prefer to take my son and work when my dad is not around.
I guess thats why we are all different????

[BLAAJA]

P.S.
Good Luck

[dukhntr]

Ryan, don't blame yourself. If you had something to get off your chest and you affended them, so be it. they probably deserved it. Just don't blame yourself. If this is all stemmed from a few words you said, then there is a bigger problem that you are unaware of. that is just my opinion though

[R.D.]

Mike,

Thanks for your input on this

One thing I can say is that my folks have tried hard to treat each on of use the same but different too......my dad & I have had our spouts too but after we call each other names & resolve the issue were done. I am the oldest & do not feel he has been treated any differently. My dad for one has said that each one of us is special....I'm his 1st son....my brother is his last son & my sister is only daughter he has. I'm not saying the man is a saint either....he's done his far share of bad chit too but thats life.....No one is asking my brother to just give up everything he's got to be with us but I guess of thats the way things happen then I will have to accept the things that have been this way.

The only thing that really burns my arse (other than a flame 3 ft high) is that he seems to blame everyone else for this. He had mentioned once to my sister last year when she came to visit that she would rather spend time with me & dad than come out to see him.........again it's our fault he won't do stuff with anyone......seems he always has an excuse when he is invited to something..................Like a 4th of July thing that has been a family tradition since I could remember.

Thanks for replies guys!

[BLAAJA]

Tell your parents to tell your brother what my mom told me (about 35 years ago.

Son I gave you to the Lord today. You are in his hands. Your father & I do not know what to do with you anymore and decided to let someone else worry about you.

[R.D.]

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by BLAAJA &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">Tell your parents to tell your brother what my mom told me (about 35 years ago.

Son I gave you to the Lord today. You are in his hands. Your father & I do not know what to do with you anymore and decided to let someone else worry about you.

</TD></TR></TABLE>


That was a good post Mike

Might work on him but he knows my dads not too spiritual & might not pass by him with that one

[BLAAJA]

Like the old saying goes.

You never really know what you have till it's gone.

some of us never learn until it's to late to do anything about it.

[R.D.]

<TABLE WIDTH="90%" CELLSPACING=0 CELLPADDING=0 ALIGN=CENTER><TR><TD>Quote, originally posted by BLAAJA &raquo;</TD></TR><TR><TD CLASS="quote">
You never really know what you have till it's gone.</TD></TR></TABLE>

I've been saying that for years.........I know deep down that he will be the one who will regret it.......unfortunatly I will have to be the one to deal with it since my parents have made me executor.......don't like thinking about it but not much I can do about it since my sister lives over 1000 miles away

[Hydrilla Gorilla]

Wow… First of all I am very sorry to hear of your mother’s illness. I know what that is like as my mother has been in ill health for a while now. My philosophy is that people are people and that you should expect nothing from them. That’s easier said than done especially when loved ones are involved. I struggle with it myself even though I try to apply it in my own life. Perhaps a man to man talk, not a confrontation or an argument with your brother is over due. Go to lunch or dinner with him and him alone. Tell him your perspective that you feel he is taking advantage of your folks and for what reasons. He may take offense or he may see the light, all you can do is take the change and do what you know in your heart is the right thing by letting him know your feelings. Good luck.