A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule" as well as a code-device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Merrick Garland said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying "weapons of maths-instruction."
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Garland added. "Al-Gebra has terrorized many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of 'absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Joseph Xiden Jr said, "If God had wanted us to have better 'weapons of maths-instruction,' he would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more lucid, intelligent or profound statement by a President.
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