I'm struggling

[Thomasj]

My 79 year old father been in the hospital since Sunday with heart issues and we found out today that he needs a triple bypass. I'm struggling because I have not had a great relationship with my father. I know this may sound strange to a lot of you who are really close to their dad but my good memories of my father are few and far between. Don't get me wrong, I hope he comes through this fine and I don't wish him any pain or suffering. I have no desire to sit down with him and talk about our relationship or the lack there of - I don't want to make him feel bad or have any more regrets than he already may have.

From my earliest memories I've known that I was not looked at as a blessing to my parents. My mother had three kids to a previous marriage that ranged from 13 to 18 when I was born. My father had no desire to get married and have kids. The two of them got married because that's what you did back then when there was a baby on the way. Growing up my Dad would buy me whatever I wanted, hand it to me, and go off to the bar. He took me fishing - once. All I really wanted was for him to spend time with me but that never happened. He would go for months at a time without speaking to me while we lived in the same house. He didn't attend my wedding. I was married for 6 years before he ever came to my house (when my daughter was born) even though he lived less than 5 miles away. He never attends family functions, including my kids birthdays. At some point after I turned 18 I stopped caring what he thought about me and stopped caring that he seemed to want nothing to do with me. I just stopped caring about him at all. Any time I visit them (they live about a block away) I'm insulted and criticised. I just grit my teeth and bite my tongue.

What makes this difficult is that I don't know how to feel now. I've been visiting the hospital everyday and taking my mom to see him. I feel like a heartless stone cold bastard for not showing more emotion but I can't fake it. The only thing he ever really taught me was how not to be a Dad and I work really hard on my relationship with my kids. I'll be there for my mom through this but I honestly just feel kind of numb about the whole thing.

Thoughts and prayers would be appreciated for him. As for me, I just needed to vent a bit, so I'm thankful to have this platform to do so.

[Dan21XRS]

... Dan

[OdingyNBugs]

[oldmanwinter]

Prayer for you and your family, never to late. don't want to regret later in life what you could have done. Take care.

[grout-scout]

Brother, you don’t need to feel alone on your feelings with your dad. I don’t think I would do, what you’ve been doing.

[BP in ME]

Sounds like you're laying this guilt on yourself. I didn't see where anyone else is pushing you to do anything more. Do it for your mom. Be pleasant to your dad but do it for your mom. Wish you all well.

[lakefolk]

you don't want that conversation and from the sounds of it neither does he so just don't...
be there for your mom....

[WB]

He sounds to be a sorry SOB. Don't lower yourself to his standards. Visit and support your mom through these trying times. If your heart tells you to forgive you will forgive. If not, so be it. Main thing is to support mom.

[crawdadking]

He sounds to be a sorry SOB. Don't lower yourself to his standards. Visit and support your mom through these trying times. If your heart tells you to forgive you will forgive. If not, so be it. Main thing is to support mom.

This.

[Charles Prestridge]

You are handling this great. Feel good about who you are and what you are doing now.

Dont feel bad about being “numb”. For your circumstances, your actions are very honorable.

May you be comforted during this difficult time.

[m.t.hands]

You are handling this great. Feel good about who you are and what you are doing now.

Dont feel bad about being “numb”. For your circumstances, your actions are very honorable.

May you be comforted during this difficult time.

^^^ agree with this, don't beat yourself up over somebody else's behavior

Prayers for you, your Dad, and Mom

[Jeff La]

Your father is the one who made the mistakes in life that molded the way your feeling. It's hard to love someone who never loved you in return. Find it in your heart to forgive him knowing he was responsible, not you.

[yatesville88fan]

Just help your Mom all you can. He made his bed, now will have to lie in it.

[greg88]

Prayers for you and family

[Cajunhunter67]

Love cant be created. You cant expect yourself to find that feeling for him after years of rejection. You cant beat yourself up, or feel guilty for the ball that HE dropped.
Be there for your mother, and set the example for your children.
Prayers for all of you.

[basscatlildave]

[pa.X19]

[Bearetta]

Maybe his father was not so good with him.
Maybe he just doesn’t have the love and social genes he needs to be the person you want.
people are who they are.
At least he bought you things.

which is way better than my grandsons’s father who disappeared after a few weeks with another woman.
14 years of nothing.

But he is a great kid, with a good heart and loves to fish.
he is my fishing and hunting buddy.
He is my boy I never had.

Maybe the best thing your dad gave you was life itself.

[hogdaddy]

That's rough.... I have had a similar situation with both of my parents, although not nearly as bad as yours when I was young. I don't blame you for any feelings that you have, if I was done like that I couldn't have any feelings towards the man... wouldn't wish anything bad on him, but couldn't support him either. Did he ever try to change for the better, say towards the grandchildren? That would help, in my mind, but if he didn't.... wow.. just let what you experienced make you an even better Dad. Do NOT feel guilty, support your Mom.. prayers up for you and your family

[pabasshawk]

Prayers for you and your family. Just be there for your mother.